Just Because

is that it ended so abruptly, like really only last night we went out to the mall and were making out in your car and we talked about everything too and you said you didnt know what was gonna happen and then like today you tell me that you still care for her? well obviously. but if you want the truth i wouldnt of given you my full love anyways because i still have some sort of feelings for brandon and if we did date, like we were suppose to, it would only be to hold me over until i got to see him again
like i knew you would pick her, i just knew but i honestly missed making out with someone and going out with someone and thats why i held on becuase i thought just maybe. and thats your fault you made me think that
thats why actually bothers me because last night LITERALLY last night we went out and then today you tell me you pick her ! like there was no buffer zone. i wish you would have waited until chris came back because then he would havetalked some sense into you like sure she makes you happy butyou wont be with her for at least another year. like i wasnt expecting your full love or anything but still i dont want to be lonley now so close to christmas and new years, because t wasnt even a gradual thing, we even had plans for tomorrow and for new years and now its all cancelled and because we were together so much at school everyone thought we were dating, i wish we were and now i ave to tell everyone what happened, well i have to tell divya cause falhad kinda already know, but when people ask me why im never with you anymore its going to be awkward. like i miss you already. and like i miss kissing you and hugging you and thats the only part i want back none of this emotion stuff. well now im stressed and just want to sleep but i have to do fucking homework which is such a piss off i shouldnt even go tomorrow but im going out with meghan and hanna after so :/
whatever its just the disappointment if cancelled plans that bug me, im happy for you and shit and hope your distance works better than mine did

31st August 2011

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asdfghjkl :)

okay so me and brandon have been border line fighting all day

it started because last night we we’re texting and he was being all sweet and saying how he’s sorry for being a bad boyfriend and being an asshole to me this summer and he should of been there for me this summer and i was like its fine i love you yadda yadda and then he continues on about how he loves me so much and he cant get me outta his head and he’ll miss me so much when school starts and then he says he was surprised i never got with bammer and i said i never got with him but he kissed my check a few times and we were holding eachother and shit and he said he was disapointed that he wasnt there enough that someone else had to step in and i was like its not your fault

then this morning he texted me asking if there was anything else that happened that i should know about and i told him that yes i did kiss his check once an then it just went down hill
he was saying how he couldnt see me anymore and how he couldnt even talk to me. and that he was sorry but hes done andi was freaking out because i didnt want to lose him over bammer because first of all i dont even know why i kissed him because there are NO feelings towards him whatsoever and then we texted all day he was telling me that i changed and he doesnt know if liked the new me and how he thought i would never do something like that to him and i basically poured my heart out because if this was the last time we were gonna talk im not going to hold back and i let everything out and i told him how sorry i was and how much i regretted it and again how sorry i was and how i felt terrible and mostly how much i loved him and how much i dont want to lose him and how i wanted to spend forever with him and begging him, i mean begging him to talk to me
like i know how pathetic that sounds but i wasnt going to lose my brandon over something so dumb !

and sometimes i would think it was going good but then i would say something and how would be like yea im not coming this weekend and i would have to convince him all over again that i would never do something like that to him again but after talking all day he said that he would give me a second chance ! i was so excited because i thought he would never take me back and im not the type of girl to keep begging if he told me it was over then i would of stopped texting him and let him live with the consequences and one thing he said was that he wasnt a virgin, and he wanted to tell me before we had sex so i dont think we are each others first. (becuase i told him how i wanted to wait till i was at least out of highschool so i can focus on my education) and like i was kinda upset he lied to me about something that important but i couldnt even get mad at him becuase that was his choice to ruin his first time an im not gonna let it ruin mine. but when he told me that he would give me another chance i thanked him so much and hes like dont thank me thank ashley (the girl he had sex with) and i was like why ? and apperentlyhe talked to her about everything that was going on because he couldnt talk to me about it and she told him that she knew how much it hurts but if he really loved me than he would give me another chance. which he took her advice and did ! :D

so i dont really care if he talked to ashely because im the end everything was out in the open and i got my brandon back :)

1st August 2011

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so me and brandon are dating ! :D <3

i know its gonna sound school girlish but its actually pretty amazing ! :)
like i know for a fact that i never really stopped loving him since we first started dating two years ago and last summer was all dumb cause he had a girlfriend and then i kinda gave up but the beginning of september we finally told each other what we were hiding all summer, how we actually still liked and even loved one another and it was really good cause i knew i had him for like 2 months but the major down side was that the season was over and i wasnt going up to the trailer anymore that year and we kinda stopped talking on a daily basis but we still talked and that was kinda like a break up but i was able to talk to other guys and stuff during the year, and expesically like april and may me and him talked even though he had a girlfriend and i was dating harman. but it was like we became best friends and could talk to each other about anything and thats what i really liked but them he brooke up with his girl a few weeks before i broke up with my boy for like the same exact reason and since then we’ve been talking and shit all summer ! and the second weekend into the summer we actually had our first kiss and this was the first one where he wasnt drunk or high and prior to the kiss we were all goofing around and flirty and it was just an amazing time. and after that we were kinda together and it wasnt awkward like last year cause we both wanted it. after that too we were even more flirty and talking almost ever day. and then like two weekends before i went to newfoundland he slipped up by calling himself my boyfriend and then i slipped up by saying that i loved him, but i covered (badly i must say) by saying i loved pie. but the tuesday i came back we spent that evening together in his trailer and shit went down ;) but that was when he said he loved me and when we unoffically started dating ! but ive been up there since them and on the 24 we cleared up the confusion and went from undecided to decided that we were dating !
and i can truthfully say that i truly love brandon reid :)
he makes me really happy like when we hang out and his general cute-ness and hes really nice and friendly and so sexy and and his eyes are amazing and when we get together he makes me even happier and im completly comfortable with him which is something i never experienced with anyone else. like we can both be copltly naked and still have a conversation with out me being awkward and trying to cover up. he makes me feel beautiful and special and happy and i love him so much.
most people would say that a teenage doesnt know what true love is, but i think they’re wrong because when your a teenager you put yourself into everything and give that person your whole self for better or worse and thankfully in this case is for better. when your a teenager you get to experience things that you wouldnt be able to if you had a full job and other adult responsibilites. and the fact that he was my first love also adds to the amount of love i have for him. like hes not even actually mean to me, of course he teases me but he always says hes kidding or if i tell him he took it too far he drops it and says sorry and that he loves me lots. hes my perfect guy.

the whole point of this is to express how much i love brandon and that i hope even when summers over we dont have to be because just leaving today without seeing him, even when we are still dating was enough to make me cry.

Brandon, if i ever show you this i want you to know that i actually love you and care for you a lot and in my books you can do no wrong :) <3

25th June 2011

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